Relax!

A panicked wife called and had to see me as soon as possible. I'd been working off and on with this couple for quite a while -- lots of complicated issues that I won't try to describe. After talking with her, I had an excellent sense of what was happening and called the husband to talk things over with him. When the two of us got together, I had the feeling that these were two completely different relationships! The two of them saw the situation from almost directly opposite viewpoints. And I was confused!

Years ago, I would have been the panicky one! "How do I 'fix' this?" But I've learned over the years that when I feel confused about a relational issue, I need to step back and take the pressure off myself. This is not my problem -- it's the couple's problem.

As it turns out, by the time the three of us could get together, the two of them had had a long talk together and had resolved many of the issues on their own. It was a good reminder that while I can help people on their journey, they're the ones who really have to do the heavy lifting in the relationship. The pastor who makes other people's problems HIS problem is going to be crushed under the load. My problem is to help my people get through the predicaments of their lives not take them upon me.

By the way, the distinction between a problem -- an issue that has a "solution" -- and a predicament -- a tangle of issues for which there is no one or simple solution -- is a helpful one to maintain. Too often pastors offer "solutions" for predicaments and are frustrated when they don't "work." Predicaments have no solutions. One simply (or not so simply!) works through them toward a resolution.