Fear, anger, and the ministry

I've been thinking about the connection of fear, anger, and depression -- especially in my early (pre-midlife crisis) ministry. So much of my life was driven by fear: fear of failure as a parent and as a pastor; fear of not enough money for the church or for our family (and, obviously, those two are closely related!). And, I believe, that fear led to a lot of anger -- directed primarily at my family (never, at least overtly at church members) and now, I have come to understand at myself (and probably covertly at God -- though only rarely was I able to identify that aspect of it at the time). And, I am now beginning to appreciate, that anger turned inward was probably the primary cause of the severe depressions that I experienced up through my 40th birthday. There were likely some physiological contributors, but I believe that my own unexpressed anger was probably the root cause. And so, as I came out of that awful year of midlife crisis in which I tried so hard to leave the pastoral ministry, I discovered that this is what I truly wanted to do. And that great sense of contentment (as well as my letting go of the inward anger that had so controlled me) led to the "mysterious" disappearance of my depressions. It wasn't really a miracle (though it certainly felt like one!) as much as it was a decision not simply to accept my vocation but to choose it as my will as well as God's. Nor was it simply a coincidence or a growing out of the depression. It grew out of my being willing to rest my full weight on Jesus -- which, if I recall, is my standard way of defining faith!

The obstacles that seemed so fearsome in years gone by are just that -- gone by! And the energy that I consumed in worry was so wasted. But maybe not. Maybe I can look back from time to time on Ebenezer and laugh at myself -- just as surely as God was smiling at my little-faith.

I still have those child-like fears from time to time. But I think I'm learning to look past them and see them not as great mountains but bumps in the road that we'll get over. I will always feel inadequate for the tasks given to me, but I have developed a certain comfort level with what I can do and what I can't, with who I am and who I'm not. It would be nice if I had found that serenity earlier in my life, but I'm not sure that's possible. There's no shortcut to maturity.